How could she let me feel like it was going to be okay? How could she do this and let me down? I blamed having it and being let down for being the cause of my mental state. There was a time that I blamed my pain on Faith. Your friends, your family…But the only person telling you it’s going to be okay that penetrates deep enough to believe – in yourself, and faith is what let you hold on. I used to be angry at Faith for giving me false hope. Having faith was my aid in getting through that time. It has taken me some time to realize that having faith is not my enemy or my downfall. I have never fallen into depression and am very good at putting on a true smile for the world – genuine one, but there was and continues to always be that unsuppressed rage about being lied to by my “Faith.” It’s a bleeding-heart feeling and it can drown your senses and ward your way of thinking. When it turned out to be opposite she (Faith) kicked my ass! At the time having faith to me meant believing in something good, believing in an end to our wariness. Well, let’s talk about a downward spiral. When the results came back and his body was in worse shape than before we started. After round one we thought we were on the right track and went for round two, hoping for a great outcome. This past year my oldest son had just finished two rounds of chemo and Plasma Pheresis. You question if she is worth having in your life or not. You start redirecting your faith, wondering if she is your friend or your enemy. What happens when Faith tells you it’s all going to be alright and then…It is suddenly not? Even when you are letting Faith take the lead, it can be difficult. To put my Faith above my fear and live without him clouding my judgment and making my decisions.įear can be strong and overbearing, easily overtaking Faith by a long shot. I have been struggling for years to try and keep my chin up. We invite him into our homes and learn to live with his presence. Maybe you take your child to checkups once a year or your child has 10 specialists and medical equipment at home.Īs parents, we deal with FEAR in many ways. It doesn’t matter if you have a child in the regular school system or a child in a special class with an IEP (individualized education program) under their belt. As parents, we fear for our kids’ safety, health and overall well-being. Not our children.įear is a part of life and there is no going around it. If you are a parent, like me, it can be all consuming. Time and time again I know we all can fall under the umbrella of pure Fear, that nothing will ever be right. For all intents and purposes, I call him FEAR (yes, it’s a he). Now let’s talk about Faith’s ugly cousin. She holds my hand when the alternatives to NOT having her (FAITH) is unimaginable. I put my trust in her (yes, I like to think of Faith as a she) and in return she helps me cope from one day to the next. That’s right, my relationship with Faith is a two-way street. Faith and I can still be friendly while maintaining our fundamental rivalry and/or dislike for each other. On a bad day, well, let’s just say me and “Faith” can be the dreaded frenemies.Īn oxymoron, I know, but it’s true. On a good day, I would like to say that I have faith in this crazy thing we call life. Meeting new friends at the pizza parlor (who happened to recognize us from church…and said “hi”…small towns rock.Faith: Noun. The loud song of katydids and a whip-por-will. In church today the pastor talked about how there will always be worry and fear in our lives, but with faith we are empowered. The scale of faith and fear becomes more balanced. There is more direction, more understanding. Here in the mountains, where things move at a slower pace, I feel like I am able to pay more attention to that small voice within. God is peace that restores my soul so that I can live fully in each moment – not in the past or the future. God is wisdom that reveals the wonder of the simple and the complex concern gin all aspects of daily living. With this faith-inspired understanding, I live life with a whole new meaning. I believe that with God all things are possible and that God is expressing divine qualities through me. I found it in a book recently where I’d filed it away: On my birthday five years ago my mother-in-law gave me a Daily Word on faith.
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